Arriving to the high desert of NM and the Kundalini Yoga Summer Solstice celebration, I am hit by a wave of panic—what have I gotten myself into? After decades of wearing the turban and now few years of not wearing it, I find myself in a dream I don’t want to be in. I am entering the land of the Turban-Wearing Clan… friends and family I know so well for all these decades. And here I am– Free-Flying Hair, cut, colored…in your face, literally and figuratively. Why did I come? To see if there is anything for me here, to move into the leading edge of myself by pushing my comfort zone, and see how well I can stay connected to Me through it all. To find my friends again.
It could seem like I am waving a flag, showing up with hair, except it is just who I am now. Not really trying to wave a flag, not crusading for change, but just wanting to be me and be comfortable being me among those who know me otherwise. Otherwise meaning: getting with the program, thinking and speaking and flowing with the form. Well, I know that path well, played it for a long while. And here I am, playing another game—bringing all the good stuff from those many years and letting it flow into this life, this me. And it is good, very good.
So this writing is happening after the fact. What were my best experiences here? The ones that were easy, like working/playing with the kids at camp, doing my walking/ dancing sadhana, and connecting with like-energy people was so much fun. I did a fair to great job of allowing the flow of life without self-recrimination. No “shoulds” no “have tos”, no “what will they think” will work here. With the flag of hair, I am beyond. Pretty neat! Yes, the flag of hair has many advantages. I am outside the expectation of my past self.
What else did I love about being here? Stimulating conversations with friends who were open, courageous. With those who were open but less courageous—a sweet flow of joyful love and appreciation with undertones of unasked questions, but that is okay too. I am happy to be learning that everyone is where they are at and it is all okay, and perfect for them. Judgment doesn’t apply here. Same for me.
One night while here I was somehow ecstatic. Don’t know how it happened but could feel myself totally in the flow with me….making up life as it went along, making it up so joyfully and sweetly and with such heightened awareness. I danced the joyous dance on the crowded dance floor to ecstatic voice and instruments. Thoughts came and went about how I may appear to others. No sense in spoiling this much fun, so those thoughts were smoke to the deepening blue of the expansive sky. Those thoughts waved up, and were transformed into the millions of sparking stars that cradle the earth. I stood outside for a long time, neck craned to see them all, wanting to find a lounge chair to lie back on and lose myself in the deep expanse of the night sky with its riot of stars. Deep and Bright they were. Deep and Bright. That is me, that is my home. This is my forever home, I said to myself. Deep and bright. Stars….. take me home.
Then the stars of the New Mexican sky told me their secret. They said: “We encircle the earth. We are encircling the earth even when the blue and clouds take over the show. Expand your vision and see us surrounding you, cradling your Earth. See you in relation to us and go further, expand further, into the unlimited Universe. You are part of the Universe, you are part of the stars.”
The stars, earth in orbit, this ecstatic Universe….
is all made of love. The love that we are….
ultimately and even now….that is all there is.